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Commentary

Published on March 27th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Jesus Admits Resurrection Less Significant Than England Comeback Against Germany

 

This morning, on a day when our lord and saviour usually likes to kick back and reflect on his achievements, Jesus claimed that England’s remarkable comeback against Germany last night, with Eric Dier scoring a winner in stoppage time, was a greater feat than his own resurrection.

Jesus was unequivocal in his assessment of the match: “Listen, history is littered with examples of people coming back from the dead – it’s a cross-cultural, pan-historical phenomenon – everyone just really seemed to dig it when it was me. But coming back from 2 – 0 down away to the reigning world champions with a team of kids? That’s a fucking miracle. I didn’t manage resurrection until my early thirties, and Dele Alli is only nineteen. They were dead AND buried last night…I was just dead and hiding. People describing Harry Kane as the messiah isn’t blasphemy – if anything, I’m flattered by the comparison”

Roy Hodgson said he was ‘flattered’ by the son of God’s comments, but said that if England expect to win the Euros, his own holy trinity – Kane, Alli and Jamie Vardy – will have to maintain this form into the summer. Jesus assured Hodgson that he would put a word in with his dad, and that God would be on England’s side.

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