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Published on February 6th, 2014 | by Flipside

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JMCC main cause of Scottish youth obesity

Students and analysts alike were shocked to discover after a two year study that the JMCC cantine at Pollock Halls is the main source of youth obesity in Scotland. With the average cooked breakfast weighing in at an astonishing 1788 kilocalories, the JMCC food has been labelled as the greatest threat to public health in the city of Edinburgh. Sceptical officials had reportedly been questioning the need for steel reinforced tables until a black pudding was dropped on an inspector’s foot, shattering several bones and requiring an ambulance to be called, the first non-alcohol related call since April 2010.

Analysts observing the JMCC reported scenes of dazed and confused students eating meals entirely composed of four different kinds of carbohydrate, and staring existentially at the strangely phallic pork kebabs regularly served in the cafeteria.

When questioned about the state of JMCC food, head Chef Gordon Del Piero corroborated with the study’s findings, adding ,“Look, we’re as shocked as you are. We thought that we had made the food as disgusting as possible to discourage students from eating too much, but because the students are so skint they’ve been eating even more to prepare for hibernation.” When it was pointed out that humans don’t hibernate, Del Piero retorted “Go tell them that”.

When challenged about EUSA’s unwillingness to intervene in the interests of student’s safety and welfare, VPSA Kirsty Haigh defended EUSA’s reluctance to act as justified. “Frankly, the strikes aren’t going as well as we predicted. We thought that students standing in Bristo square waving placards and shouting into megaphones would lead to the overthrow of the Capitalist system. At least now with ‘bigger’ protestors we should be able to block scabs from crossing the picket lines much more easily.” When challenged about whether this was ‘ethical’ or not, Flipside reporters were presented with a high court injunction, preventing us from pressing the issue any further.

In other, vaguely related, news, Alex Salmond hopes that the recent boost in marshmallow puff sales will be able to provide the steady economic growth needed in post Independent Scotland.

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