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Published on September 25th, 2015 | by Flipside

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University powered by adorable animals

Following the questionably successful campaign to force the university to divest from fossil fuels, Flipside has discovered that the university has managed to prevent a power crisis by employing thousands of cute, furry animals to generate electricity by running on treadmills 24 hours a day.

Our reporter was astonished to discover that the Hugh Robson bunker, previously assumed to be abandoned during the summer holidays, had been converted into a makeshift power plant, capable of producing enough electricity to power half of Edinburgh.

According to reports, the Bunker was sparsely populated by students left over from the August resit exams, who hadn’t realised that they had ended, alongside a herd of small animals. When prised from their meditative studies, the students admitted that they thought that the rows of rotating rabbits and puppies were merely part of their everyday hallucinations due to their choice of study space and second hand pot smoke from Fringe goers.

Speaking to Flipside, University spokesperson Gareth ‘I hate small animals’ McPherson said “Frankly the students have no-one to blame but themselves. We had attempted to find an eco-friendly solution by lobbying the big companies to pursue greener policies. Now that we’ve sold our shares, we have no alternative but to torture small animals”. When asked what would become of animals that become too tired as a result of the gruelling schedule, McPherson shrugged, asking “What do you think the JMCC kebabs are made from?”.

A spokesperson for Divestment Edinburgh said that “While of course we think that the lives of small animals are important, unless they died millions of years ago and have fossilised as a result, they’re sort of outside our remit”.

When students were questioned about the University’s new policy, the reaction was mixed with one student rather confusingly shouting “Sod them, they don’t pay taxes”.

Politicians were keen to voice their opinions on this issue, with Nicola Sturgeon claiming that this could potentially be the trigger for another referendum whilst David Cameron’s office threatened to throw our reporter out for asking about small animals twice in one week.

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