Published on September 26th, 2013 | by Flipside0
Leaked: ‘Ultimate Freshers’ Guide’
Vice Chancellor and perennial Fresher-heartthrob Timothy O’Shea is now set to release a series of guidelines on how best to navigate Fresher’s week, after hearing the news that many first-year students were struggling to adapt to their new University environment.
Flipside has this week obtained a leaked excerpt from O’ Shea’s manifesto, which reads:
You will most likely feel you absolutely have to shag someone in your first week. No doubt everyone else will be telling fantastical tales of their extravagant sexual exploits with beautiful (yet strangely nameless) men and women. Many will be recounting epic sagas of the incredible sex they were having “before I came to University” (this is known as social insurance – namely, how insecure people insure themselves against sexual failure, through providing a most likely false sexual history). Do not get sucked in. Because this will not help you get sucked off. Be your timid virgin self and you’ll do just fine. I personally took part in many sexual adventures, or “pussy parties” as they were known back in the Fifties. But don’t let me burden you with pressure – I was an absolute fucking Adonis.
The above guidelines also apply to the consumption of alcoholic beverages (See above for details of insecurity) – it is not required you become a borderline alcoholic in order to fit in. You will however, I fear, inevitably take part in such nonsensical games as “Ring of Fire” and “Beer-Pong” (Dante’s Inferno and Lager Croquet, for the more educated among you). To excel in games such as these, you must possess a certain set of attributes: the inability to lower your voice, a trust fund from Daddy, an obsession with phallic drawings, and medically-dangerous levels of testosterone. The ability to form coherent sentences is non-essential. These students, or as many other students refer to them, “cunts”, are not the sort of people you should socialise with. Leave them to stew in their own self-conscious juices.
After the initial week of ‘banter’ has calmed down, you will find yourself facing something the 3rd and 4th years call ‘work’. This can have one of two effects – you will either continue to do fuck all, or, as is the case with many people, stress about your huge workload and how you have no time for anything. Fear not though, there are ways around this – if you are a medic, self-prescribe some anti-depression tablets (I myself have found over the years that Diazepam works marvellously).
If you are reading History of Art or English Literature, try to use some of the six days a week you have free to de-stress. If you are reading Sociology, Anthropology or Geography, stop wasting your time and change to a real degree. And finally, if you have been educated in Scotland, go back to school in England and try again in about ten to twelve years. If you do however still find yourself stressing, just think of all the poor people who are forced to study at Napier – that’ll cheer you right up.
If you have time once exams are over, maybe on a nice snowy day round about Christmas-time, try garrotting the sabbatical officers, or fire-bombing Potterrow, so as to rid the University of all the sub-human scum that make up that pathetic excuse for an institution.
It remains to be seen whether O’Shea’s document will have an effect upon student life once released.