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Politics

Published on August 29th, 2013 | by Flipside

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Left-Wing students annoyed most students don’t care about their internal conflicts

LOUNGE BAR, TEVIOT — Left-Wing students at the University of Edinburgh are apparently annoyed at the rest of the student body for not caring about their factional disputes, the National Coalition Against Fees and Cuts spokesperson said this week. Factional disputes between groups such as NCAFC and International Socialist Group (Scotland) have been happening for an unknown amount of time, but no one has given a single fuck.

Baron Stephen Whittington, Chairman of the People’s Proletariat group, another dissenting left-wing group had this to say, “I think it’s absolutely disgusting that students don’t care about conflicts within socialism. People like me, including two of the four incoming Sabbs, didn’t go to private school and learn how to lead the proles into a new era for them to just ignore us and go to the Big Cheese! We’re the revolutionary vanguards damnit!”

Helen Flanders, the only working-class student Flipside could find who could be bothered to sit through the explanation of the differences between a few of the left-wing splinter groups, had this to say “I honestly don’t care.”

Other students from a variety of backgrounds were slightly more belligerent. Karen Simms, a member of Modern Dance Society and a former Society Council member has experienced the left-wing factionalism first-hand. “Before I came to university I probably would have considered myself left-wing, I used to vote Labour and everything. But these vicious bastards soon showed me. They once called me a self-hating woman because I just wanted to end a 2 hour and 20 minute discussion of women in the context of the communist revolution which had originally been intended as a meeting about society room booking.” Simms continued ranting about absurd anecdotes for a while before summarising.

“Following this experience of Edinburgh’s left-wing groups, I’ve now got a graduate job at Proctor and Gamble lined up. I’m going to move to London and vote Conservative and might even join the party and campaign. I just want to make sure these people never get to touch a position of power.”

The spokesperson of Labour Students, another left-wing group, chimed in that the whole debate was frivolous, ironically presenting another fracture of opinion among the left. Josh Chamberlain, Convener of Fun, said, “The far left are so self-important; they’re convinced they’re changing the world, and so everyone should be involved in their struggle against capitalism. It’s silly, most students aren’t interested and you’ve got to engage students politically in a way that corresponds to their interests. Just this week Labour Students organised an event to raise campaigning funds and awareness of payday lenders. We got students to down as many WKD’s as possible. It was very educational.”

A former EUSA president, who demanded to not be named and threatened legal action, said, “I honestly think it’s really sad that most students who come to university are only interested in getting a degree or something shamelessly materialistic like that. We should all be furthering the revolution.”

The university Liberal Democrats begged to be contacted for their opinion, but like any self-respecting publication we ignored them.

When contacted, the university Scottish Nationalists claimed that they were not left-wing, unless we were left-wing, in which case they were definitely left-wing. They then asked if we had any ideas for what currency an independent Scotland could use. We suggested copies of Flipside.

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