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Published on May 11th, 2017 | by Flipside

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‘What I’m Really Thinking’: Inside the Mind of the Exam Invigilator

“Fucking hell there’s some ugly ones aren’t there. Look at that one! What in God’s name are they wearing? Are those pyjama bottoms? They sounded very posh, surely they can afford to dress better than that! Oh what’s this I hear? Sobbing…. again? Oh ffs’

Well at least I can do that thing again. Y’know where we walk up to them slowly, they look up, hopeful. Hopeful that some compassion has arrived. That’s all they need. It’ll get them through the next hour. And then we lay it on them! BOOM! ‘Either be quiet or leave!’ It never gets old.

You might think when you’re sat there watching us all at the start, ‘oh she seems nice, he seems a bit scary’. Take it from me the ‘nice’ ones are the ones you really want to watch. Never noticed how she only wants to get your slip, and repositions your matric card, when you finally think you’re getting into the swing of it? She’s trying to put you off. She’s also the one that take ages counting at the end. That’s because she’s noticed how much water that girl at the back has drank and we have a fiver on whether they’ll pee themselves or not. The ‘nice’ ones are not above scribbling out passages after either. Some members of the Women’s Institute just want to watch the world burn.

I’ve seen…. things. I’ve done…. things. I shouldn’t be around people. At least that’s what the judge and my probation officer said. The university welcomed me with open arms though. I only really come here cause the voices in my head are respectful of the no talking rule.

What they don’t realise is I was one of them once. Young, attractive, popular. I had dreams. But with every scribble you make on that page you edge ever closer to your dreams being shattered! That’s it scribble, scribble, scribble you’ll be just like me soon hahahahahahahahaha! You can come to one of my coffee mornings then.”

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