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Local

Published on March 17th, 2016 | by Flipside

0

Library Cat Discovers Biological Warfare

The outbreak of an animal disease, particularly fatal to dogs, in the country can be revealed to be the work of the university’s most famous son, Library Cat. In a statement released yesterday, Library Cat, real name Jordan, said,

‘What with the recent break in the wet and windy conditions I started to hang out in the Meadows more often. The only problem is there’s loads of dogs, which I don’t particularly like, they’re stupid, they smell and they always seem to be drooling. The UoE student equivalent would be when you bump into a student from Napier ‘University.’

‘Anyway, I was minding my own business having a snooze in the sun last week, and I awoke to find this bloody cocker spaniel trying to hump me. The owners didn’t do anything, they just got their phones out and took some photos, apparently it was something called ‘top bantz!’ The morons!’

‘Later I remembered, something my flatmates, who are all into religion and shit, had mentioned in the past about Christian armies wiping out their enemies, or heretics as my flatmate calls them, with disease. So I popped over to the library and requested a paper called Some protozoan diseases of man and animals : anaplasmosis, babesiosis and toxoplasmosis by Clarence Russell Cole and Ross F Nigrelli and another one called We all fall down : the prospects of biological and chemical warfare by Clarke Robin. Half an hour later I’d fashioned a crude delivery system and bish, bash, bosh job’s a good ‘un.’

Jordan finished by standing on his hind legs and with one paw in the air proclaimed,

‘My enemies have sown the wind, and now they will reap the whirlwind!’

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