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Published on January 18th, 2016 | by Flipside

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‘Library Cat’ is a spy

A SWAT team swarmed the Edinburgh University Main Library on Wednesday night in a sting operation to capture and detain slippery foreign operative Jordan Pakofski, better known by his adopted pseudonym the Library Cat. Pakofski, who was issued a library card by Edinburgh University, had his cover blown after taking out volumes of Russian literature, including complex histories of the Soviet era.

Background checks revealed Jordan was sent to Scotland in the early 2000s by Putin’s regime, so he could learn about the ways of Scottish youth and implement similar ideas in Russia. This includes their smoking habits, the number of people who sit on their laptop doing literally fuck all, and those who prefer to get their coffee from the little booth just outside instead of the café, and feel good about themselves for supporting local business while also not drinking coffee that tastes like it was literally made of someone’s piss. Putin is said to have found it all rather fascinating.

Further investigation revealed that Putin was hoping to glean information about how long you need to hang around to grab a booth on the ground floor, whether there actually are any colour printers, and if the view from the fifth floor is truly what God sees. He discovered this and much, much more as the staff and student body alike blindly embraced the adorable undercover agent, giving him direct access to all manner of sensitive information, never realising how easily they were being manipulated.

The Government wants to try the Library Cat for treason, while Putin demands that he is given diplomatic immunity. Students demand he is allowed to continue his work around the Library, cause who cares about national security when he’s just so bloody lovely and cute!

 

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