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Published on May 13th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Literally Everyone Has Finished Exams Except You

Did you hear that? It was a 330ml can of Strongbow Dark Fruits being cracked open.You won’t recognise it, its been months, potentially years, since your miserable existence has even had this sensual offering in its peripheries.

Let’s cut to what we’re trying to say here. All your mates are in the Meadows, they spotted your ex by the way. All those people you hate at university, in the Meadows, that woman who short changed you two months ago and you were too embarrassed to say anything, in the Meadows. She probably even used that extra £2.50 to buy some Cornettos. Every single one of them. In. The. Meadows. You’re in the DHT Underground – in the room that manages to be colder than it is outside whilst still making you sweat buckets. The only salvation will be if there is a nuclear attack, but then you’ll be forced to spend even longer down there.

And it doesn’t end after today does it. Cause you have another exam to revise for. So do those two posh guys, Charlie and Rufus, that wandered out of the library at noon, done for the day. But they already have a paid internship in Singapore for the summer. Their Dads sorted it, just after they do a couple of weeks in Bali.

Maybe you’ll have a fun summer? Y’know that period where you don’t get a student loan. Full-time minimum wage work is so fulfilling, right? Especially when everyone we already mentioned will still be outside somewhere.

And what’s this all for… A 2:1. Newsflash honey, everyone has one. Even that exam invigilator with the hateful look in their dead eyes has one. Just like everyone else is outside right now, and you’re not. 

Tl;dr your life sucks. This isn’t even that good of an article, but guess what? It’s the best fucking thing that’ll happen to you today.

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