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Local

Published on August 6th, 2015 | by Flipside

0

Local Edinburgh man stuck in crowd on Royal Mile for 15 hours

Approximately 15 hours ago (ish), a local Edinburgh man, Keith Campbell, forgot that the Edinburgh Fringe Festival had started late this year, and was unwittingly trapped in the clutches of its crowds.

“I had finished early at work” He said, “thought ah would take a wee walk down intae the new toon, ohh what a right tit ah have been eh.  Hit the mile and bam, fucked man, stuck here for ageees. ken whit? Ah fuckin hate the fringe! and all the ponsy prick bastards that do it. London ******* the lot o’ them!” (no translation available).

Keith has tried everything he can, but simply does not appear to have the crowd dodging guile and gap picking ability which is required to escape the mile during Fringe season. This has left Keith  trapped on the royal mile for the last 15 hours, in which time he has been flyrered for over 40,000 shows, none of them sounding even remotely good (apart from one about a dog who is a policeman and a panda that farts).

His next plan involved building a tower out of the flyers he had received, which he could climb up and jump to safety. Sadly the tower fell down as he climbed up and he now appears to have a badly broken leg. Unfortunately the ambulance simply couldn’t access the scene due to the amount of people in the way. It has since been temped into a free show about hospital car parks, much to the driver’s dismay.

So, Keith remains trapped amidst a crowd of human beings which simply doesn’t know the meaning of the words, “fuck off home”.  With no hope of escape, experts suspect he may not live out the week.

More to follow.

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