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Published on March 15th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Four dead in library bake sale.

EDINBURGH –Four members of the Russian Scoiety froze to death while trying peddle snikerdoodles in their bake sale. It was several hours before anyone noticed the table full of cakes and another two days before anyone noticed the people staffing the table were dead.

Survivors gave their testimony to Edinburgh Flipside.

‘We had been here for hours, trying to raise money for our charity ball. But the students they care not for our cause,’ said Ivan Kozlov. Ivan is the vice president of the Russian society and had gone through similar bake sales in previous years.

‘My wife and child died in the community wellbeing bake sale of November 2014. I will never forgive the students who ignored our cries of “fifty pence for two cookies! Who doesn’t love lemon cake?” They all go to their precious Library Café (spits). Goddamn the library café,’ Ivan told Flipside.

Other societies have faced tragedy as well. History society had one of its freshers carried away by a strong wind last winter while the History of Art society had three of its staffers consumed by the Scottish mist.”It just, absorbed them”, bystander Anna Kendrick told Flipside.

EUSA has responded to the crisis by putting up a giant paper banner on the side of the library, two EUSA wellbeing staff have since been hospitalized. When Flipside pressed the University for comment they responded, “Maybe they would fair better selling cigarettes. Who the hell wants scones in the rain?”

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