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Commentary

Published on December 17th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Mature Student Spotted in The Wild at Big Cheese

 

A person who should be old enough to know better has been spotted in EUSA’s flagship club night ‘The Big Cheese’. Daniel Bain, aged 42, was seen in the queue beforehand as security ascertained whether he was an escaped mental patient or just someone who was about to make a huge mistake.

Bain said, ‘I went to university twenty years ago but dropped out half-way through and always wanted to go back. So I’m now in my 2nd year of studying Sociology, it’s been fascinating. Anyway we had our class Christmas night out and I intended to just go along for the meal but they’ve all twisted my arm to come here. I phoned my wife and she said it was fine and I should enjoy myself. I’ll stay for a couple to be social but I promised my daughters I’d take them swimming in the morning.’

One of his friends was overheard stating it was like going out with your Dad.

Bain was last seen at 2am standing on the dancefloor singing Wannabe by the Spice Girls, before running to the bar and ordering a Diesel with a Tropical VK, and Jaeger Bomb chaser and handing his gold credit card to the bar staff shouting ‘Line ‘em up boys and girls, keep ‘em coming and line ‘em up!’

A pale-faced and shaking Bain commented the next day, ‘I’ve been awake since 6.00am. I’ve mowed the lawn, cleaned the windows, and finally finished painting the bathroom. My heart’s beating like a fucked clock! When will it end?!’

His wife finished, ‘He did take the girls swimming. But he’s now banned from the Warrender Pool for projectile vomiting over a toddler in the shallow end.’

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