Published on October 4th, 2017 | by Flipside0
Media to Replace ‘Lone Wolf’ Tag with ‘Inhuman Shitbag’ to Deter Shooters
The global media has taken a policy decision to no longer refer to a mass murderer who is acting solo as a ‘lone wolf,’ instead opting for names such as ‘inhuman shitbag,’ ‘unspeakable prick,’ ‘utter cunt,’ ‘walking faecal matter,’ ‘despicable clown’ and ‘Piers Morgan,’ to deter potential shooters.
Global media representative Skinward Leonard said: “We just thought ‘Lone Wolf’ sounded a bit too rad for these pure evil maniacs. That makes them sound like Wolverine or James Bond. They are categorically not James Bond – they’re dicks, and we should call them dicks.”
Yesterday, colossal, gaping asshole Stephen Paddock murdered 59 people at a country music festival from a hotel window using an arsenal of high-powered assault weapons. This has been described as an ‘incorrigible wanker’ attack, perpetrated by someone working without the help of a wider terrorist cell.
President Trump said: “Truly this is the greatest mass shooting America has ever seen. I mean, the weapons this guy had – wow! Great, great weapons. Look at the shootings in Obama’s presidency – did anyone ever kill 59 people? I don’t think so – weak, weak mass shootings under Barack Obama. And this guy wasn’t even Muslim so America’s still safe! I’ve already sent a big, big sympathy card to Las Vegas, so no ingrates can say I haven’t helped the people there. Great city Las Vegas. I built a Taj Mahal there once. Beautiful place.”
When asked if this should be a catalyst for tighter gun laws, Trump demurred: “It was a gun that eventually killed the guy, wasn’t it? He shot himself, but if he didn’t have that gun in the first place, he never could have shot himself and would have killed even more people, so I think we just need more guns at a sensitive time like this.”
“I hope Little Rocket Man was watching this. If this is what Americans do to our own people, imagine what we’ll do to North Korea!” Trump concluded.
If you’d like to give blood to help save some of the hundreds of people injured in this horrific ugly scumbag attack, you can find out more about doing so here, (also giving blood is always vital, wherever you are):