Published on January 4th, 2016 | by Flipside0
MI5 Report Man Who Hurt Adele Dead: Nation Celebrates.
Breaking News: Rumour has it that in a dawn raid on his house, the evil and deplorable man who hurt the singer Adele’s feelings has been killed. Naturally the nation is overjoyed that their favourite singer Adele will now be able to live in peace and safety knowing that he is gone.
A statement from MI5 read: “The man who hurt Adele has been terminated by our agents. He tried to talk his way out of the situation, claiming that it wasn’t him that caused Adele all that pain, that it was just someone like him. Fortunately our agents had been listening to all three of Adele’s albums on repeat for months, and frankly they needed an outlet for all that emotion. They were unshaken and completed the deed the nation has been demanding for years. Everything is ok, our thoughts go out to Adele as this must be a hard time for her. But we did it! Got the bastard. This is better than when we got Osama Bin Laden.”
The nation has gone into a frenzy of celebration, and a public holiday has been declared. Adele Day will simultaneously be the best and most depressing day of the year, as her albums blare from anything with speakers or a mouth for 24 hours straight.
Adele herself had this to say on the matter, “I am mostly quite happy he is gone, I mean I can finally move on. I’m thinking of writing some happy music now, and if that isn’t popular I can honestly say I am looking forward to a real life again. This break up has destroyed me, I know I now have more money than an African nation and a music career for life, but you know, I got real hurt, and at least he is gone now, at least I can move on.”
She did add as an aside she felt that she could have totally gotten another two albums out of it if he wasn’t dead, so perhaps the timing could have been better.