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Commentary

Published on November 4th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Minister for Employment’s Voices In Her Head Tell Her Stress Does Not Affect Mental Health

Conservative Minister of State for Employment, Priti Patel, has rejected suggestions in the House of Commons that the stress of benefits cuts would affect mental health, after consultation with the voices in her head.

“After rising tensions in the Commons over the benefits cuts, I decided to put the issue to the voices in my head,” explained Patel.

“Between the seven of us, we put it to a referendum, and the motion to investigate the effect of benefits cuts to mental health was defeated with three votes to two, with one abstaining and one telling me to burn everything and everyone.”

Patel, who has recently been quoted to have seen ‘thuggish’ gangs of the elderly, the disabled, and her Year four teachers dressed as clowns wielding machetes, was firm in denying that stress in any form does not affect mental health.

This news comes quickly after Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s decision to redefine mental health issues which the NHS are able to advise people on, including seasonal depression, oven-related anxiety, and voting Tory. A spokesperson for the NHS has quelled these recent rumours and stated that there is no need for panic.

“So long as people have had their tetanus jabs, they should be immune to voting Tory for the next two decades or so.”

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