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Commentary

Published on January 12th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Flipside has record year in profit

Yes, it’s that most wonderful time of year again. No not the start of term you fools, it’s when we here at Flipside count all of the money we made last year. You’re probably thinking to yourselves right now ‘Hmm, I wonder how they make all that money?’. Well good news friends we have no bloody clue ourselves.

We here at Flipside subsist through a variety of means that are at best dubious and at worst immoral. Last year, we sold students counterfeit straws outside the Big Cheese. We also give fake Harry Potter tours of Pollock Halls and the JMCC, telling tourists that it’s where the idea for Hogwarts was conceived, with Chancellor’s Court representing Slytherin. During exam season, whenever some bastard leaves the library for a “2 minute” Starbucks break, we use that time to rifle through their wallets for some spare change. That last activity alone accounts for roughly 70% of our income.

A large part of our income comes from keeping up the constant media war that engulfs the Edinburgh campus. It’s a nice, consistent form of income. When we insult The Student, we get paid by the Tab. When we insult the Tab, we get paid by the Student. When we insult FreshAir, we get death threats.

Tim Farron actually pays us a special retainer fee in order to make sure that the Lib Dems remain in the news every now and again (aww bless).

Of course, it would be remiss to talk about money without mentioning Robin Thicke. The man is definitely a douche, but he keeps paying us to mention the ‘Blurred Lines’ ban so that he can relive the height of his Edinburgh popularity. However, since the trial earlier this year he’s started paying us in Marvin Gaye CDs. We also get an extra 50p every time Kirsty Haigh makes a ranty Facebook/Twitter status about us, so that’s nice.

However, we do have some principles in regards to who we take money from. For example, we refuse to take any money from Jenny Ross-Tating, no matter how much he offers us to spell his name correctly. This may be due to him offering us ‘Wellbeing’ instead of money, which we still don’t quite understand. Frankly, after our last article about him, we’re worried he may have gotten the wrong impression about us and are quite worried about this ‘wellbeing’ of his…

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