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Politics

Published on April 6th, 2016 | by Flipside

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National Newspapers Stumped as Edinburgh University Goes Day Without Producing Fresh Controversy

Newsrooms across the UK are allegedly at breaking point this evening after the University of Edinburgh and Edinburgh University Students’ Association remain functioning, without controversy, for the twenty-fourth consecutive hour.

Information leaked to Edinburgh Flipside can reveal that today, editors at The Daily Mail have made seventeen irate calls to their Teviot correspondent – who they have recently stationed in the building’s library bar on a 24/7 basis – asking for tip-offs with no success.

“Can you not see anyone putting a hand in the air or anything” said one of the callers. “Maybe just be on the look out for aggressive blinks or someone cheering too loudly, there’s bound to be some football somewhere,” they continued, by this point audibly distressed.

In addition to this, journalists from The Daily Telegraph and The Daily Express were seen asking students outside the library this morning, where they could find the university’s ‘safe space’.

In response to the crisis, Edinburgh Flipside contacted the offices of The Times this afternoon asking what they planned to run as Thursday’s cover piece, should the contention-based ‘dry spell’ continued.

When our reporter suggested they could maybe run a story on the tax evasion world leaders had been indulging in, or the continuing fraud allegations at FIFA, their reporter laughed and said: “No, no that is far more work than it’s worth. We just need to find the university’s safe space and once we’re there, we expect Charles Stewart and the Vice President Censorship will be around, probably doing something out of line.”

“If not we’ll just run a story about LGBT+ students, and put every word we don’t understand in ‘inverted commas’, in order to infer that the phrases inside the said commas aren’t tangible things at all and are merely concepts that students themselves have created very recently, to justify largely illiberal and irrational practices.

“We find that’s a great way to belittle and deride the university population and give the impression – to the working people of Britain – that students are generally whiny, entitled snobs.

“This is good for the purpose of our media empire, as it turns Britain against students. It justifies the government and their otherwise inexcusable crusade against young people: their exclusion from the Minimum Wage Legislation, the hiking of tuition fees and the cutting of national services, which has in term destroyed the public sector job opportunities graduates might otherwise enjoy.”

“With all this to get angry about, nobody then has time to realise that Ruper Murdoch is a cunt.”

“Maybe leave those last few paragraphs out” the press officer then said. “It might give the wrong impression”.

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