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Commentary

Published on May 2nd, 2016 | by Flipside

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New NUS President Promises: ‘I WILL Sort Out £1 Shots For the Lads’

 

New NUS President Malia Bouattia, who ran a successful campaign in the support of liberation groups, has promised that she will nonetheless endeavour to represent all students, by guaranteeing cheap shots for the lads.

‘As well as liberating the curriculum and maintaining universities as places that are free of challenging ideas, it’s really important to remember what a huge contribution the lads make to university life, and not ignore their needs. I will personally go to every student union and lobby them to give the lads £1 shots every Friday and Saturday night, as well as during sports games, have a late-night cheesy chip van outside every union building, and relax their campus-wide anti-groping policy, which frankly I think the lads find deeply oppressive to their culture and lived experience’

The reputation of NUS has taken something of a battering recently with claims of widespread general obnoxious dickheadedness in the organisation, but Bouattia is sure that with this policy they can regain some credibility, and begin to look less like an irrelevant bunch of narcissistic squabbling jerkoffs.

However, Bouattia failed to support her own policy due to inadequate wording. ‘It was phrased as ‘one pound shots, when really I think it should be ‘one quid shots’. The ‘pound’ has a history of outdated macroeconomic policy, neo-Keynsian control of the money supply and profiting from colonialism. This language is an insult to modern Nobel Prize Winning economists, and more importantly, shows flagrant disregard to the lads, and their future prospects of top-notch bants.’

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