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Politics

Published on January 11th, 2014 | by Flipside

0

New Year storms “a hoax” say climate skeptics

Breaking news: Faked footage of bad weather all a plot to raise taxes, somehow.

Scenes of terrible weather hitting all parts of the UK over the Christmas and New Year period are all faked or greatly exaggerated, according to a group of climate change sceptics. “We know that scientists have been faking evidence for climate change for years,” said prominent sceptic Bob Oylstuge, “but now they’re faking bad weather too!”

“If all this wet weather has been happening, how is it that I am still bone dry?” said right-wing Tory Nigel Lawson, from the lounge of his mansion house. “They may have fooled everyone else, but not us.” Lawson and Oylstuge can now exclusively explain how the hoax was perpetrated:

• Heavy rain was simulated by helicopters dropping water on reporters, whenever the cameras were rolling (the helicopters couldn’t be seen because they were hiding among all the black clouds).

• Giant splashes that looked like waves hitting sea walls were actually created by teams of unemployed climate scientists with buckets.

• Rivers burst their banks because of lefties all flushing their toilets at the same time, not excessive rainfall.

• High winds were caused by eco-terrorists reversing the setting of offshore windfarms into ‘blow’ mode.

• Flooded houses were caused by Al Gore sneaking in during the night and turning on all the taps.

• Damage to coastal defences was in reality caused by hordes of Romanians and Bulgarians swimming ashore.

• Flooded fields were caused by badgers moving the openings to drains.

The storm conspiracy, which Lawson estimates cost several million pounds to organise, was conceived to make people more scared of climate change and to “just generally make us all pay more tax,” Lawson said.

According to Oylstuge, a similar conspiracy in Australia has seen left-wing activists running all-year barbecues next to weather-measuring stations, to create the illusion that 2013 was the continent’s hottest year on record.

Lawson and Oylstuge dismissed suggestions that their conspiracy idea is far-fetched. “It’s nowhere near as far-fetched as the idea that all of the world’s climate scientists have been conspiring for decades to invent global warming, for no discernible gain,” they insisted. “Which people seem to have no trouble believing.”

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