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Published on May 17th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Student Realises They Spent £50,000 On Sod All

Final year undergraduate students are advised to avoid university buildings today, as an epidemic of existential dread is causing chaos on campus due to students finishing exams and realising how little it means.

“I am fifty thousand pounds in debt after four years and I didn’t even get a lousy t-shirt,” said Kay Renny, a fourth year psychology student. “Seriously, they charged me for a lousy t-shirt. You know, the shit one with the square brackets to look scientific and edgy, but it actually looks like it was designed by a blind toddler? That one. Fuck this. My degree is utterly worthless. I completely wasted my time here, to the extent I even wrote for the tab once. I’m going to be working in DHT shop for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. The. Rest. Of. My. Life. Oh God, why hast thou forsaken me?!”

Reports around Pollock Halls have come in suggesting that one English Literature student announced “I begin at Pollock Halls and I end at Pollock Halls – this is a perfect example of Milton’s cyclical ring composition”, before being pummelled to death by fellow students with annotated copies of Joyce’s ‘Finnegan’s Wake’. Meanwhile, Jane-Paige Hammelthworpe, your annoying academic friend, has come out exclusively to Flipside with the following statement: “I don’t know what the fuss is about. I sorted my masters application ages ago.”

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