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Published on December 1st, 2015 | by Flipside

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Christmas Cancelled by Santa Because his Naughty List is Too Long

Heartbreak and disappointment has swept the globe this morning with the news that Santa has, in fact, cancelled Christmas. In a statement released to Flipside, Father Christmas announced: “It is with a deep sadness in my heart that, because only three people have remained on my Nice list this year, I have had to cancel Christmas. With the anticipated outbreak of World War III and the habitual sinning of all but three of the world’s population, I have been left with no other choice.”

At this point, Santa was heavily weeping at the thought of the inevitable Armageddon, so Mrs Clause began to speak for her beloved husband. Mrs Clause responded to speculation that Santa feared being mistaken for a hostile Russian plane and getting shot down by Turkey as he delivered presents there. “This was a big factor in the decision. There is no region in the world that Santa can happily fly over and deliver anymore. Even the polar bears in the Arctic mistake him for a seal and try to eat him for their supper.”

Christmas will in fact go ahead for those on Santa’s Nice List: Johnny Ross Tatum for promoting well-being to those condemned to a life of sin, Jeremy Corbyn for imitating Santa’s beard and Angelina Jolie just because.

 

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