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Local

Published on February 24th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Northern morale high as whole of Southern England is ‘officially sunk’

Reports confirm that the ongoing winter storms have now sunk the entire country south of Sheffield, much to the delight of Northern Britons, who have long resented the claim that the South gets better weather.

‘Fortunately there wasn’t really anything important south of the Watford Gap anyway,’ remarked Michael Fish, Britain’s leading meteorological expert. ‘Just a few hills with some sheep on and the odd Cornish pasty. I mean, imagine the carnage if it was Hull and Blackpool being flooded right now instead of London and Cardiff.’

Not only has the national pastime of remarking on the weather now been given legitimate status, but the storms are working wonders for the economy. Refugees fleeing up the coast of Wales to escape the rising water levels have caused a boom in the tourist industry of Bangor, which saw its population rise by 28,000 in the past week. Furthermore, the floods have helpfully cleared the way for Donald Trump’s plans for a giant WaterWorld the size of Norwich, and have also given rise to inspiring examples of David Cameron’s ‘Big Community’ in action.

‘The help and support we’ve been getting from our northern countrymen has been spectacular,’ said Maureen Ponsenby-Smythe of of Coochy-on-the-Bizzle, an underwater village in Hampshire. ‘I’ve been bobbing around in a bucket in for two weeks now and occasionally people have been mentioning what a shame it is for me and the thousands of other families who’ve been flooded. Then they’ve forgotten all about it and been getting on with their daily lives. I feel like this weather really brought the country together.’

Yet critics are divided as to the storms’ provenance. ‘This is clearly just an attention seeking conspiracy by the Green Party,’ said Nigel Farage, ‘They’ve planned the floods using giant buckets and helicopters, to pretend that global warming exists and guilt trip us into voting for them.’

Meanwhile, rumours are also circulating that the storms are being engineered by Alex Salmond. ‘It’s obvious what he’s doing,’ said a civil servant rescued from the large puddle formally known as Westminster. ‘This is all part of his plan to avoid losing the referendum this September, because we’ll have to give Scotland bloody independence if the rest of the UK has sunk underwater.’

An inquiry into the possibility of nefarious meteorological plotting by the SNP continues.

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