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Published on March 14th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Pagoda declared victor of EUSA Games 2014

Forged in the fires of the great referendum of 2010, the treaty of EUSA created a new method to select the worthiest sabbatical officers. Following a year under the governance of Heath McNurdoch, the victor of the Third annual EUSA games, it was time to choose a new victor for the role of President…”

There were four brave tributes, nominated for the honour by their peers, willing to lay down their lives for the possibility of greater feedback, more buses and longer library opening hours. In a shocking twist, there were two tributes from previous games competing.

The first was Bridgette Pagoda, whose miraculous recovery from her elimination last year, when she was officially declared dead due to a technical fault, shocked seasoned fans of the games. As such, the games committee felt it only fair to allow her to have a second chance to achieve glory.

The other unexpected returner was Kristy Hugh who becomes the first victor in history to ever re-enter the games. Her nomination courted controversy as the rules on re-entering a victor were unclear, but the games committee felt that it would make great viewing and so allowed her to enter.

Jeffrey Weaver was the first of the newcomers, and was a relative unknown in the competition until he gained mass appreciation by announcing his intention to volunteer as tribute in a dance to the popular song ‘Grandma-Style’ whilst wearing a costume consisting of merely a saxophone.

The final tribute to be announced was Dave Lotts-Swinlott, in a nomination backed by much of the popular media. This included a very public endorsement by Saniel W. Dwayne, the chair of the united EUSA news corporation.

Proceedings for the games were opened by the traditional DuBatt ceremony (initiated in 2011 by James DuBatt), in which all of the candidates faced off for the first time, and were given a fantastic panel interview by Connor McDiarmid, host of prime time radio show Fresh Blood. This lead to some heightened tension between Hugh and Lotts-Swinlott, with allegations of underhand pre-training on both sides. This created much speculation of a grudge being played out in the arena.

The arena chosen for the great battle this year was Poleaxe Halls, the former student residences which have lain dormant since the great JNDD food fight of 2012, in which several young vegan protesters were killed in a hail of spaghetti and meatballs.

Play began at midday precisely on Monday 3rd of March, and as expected, much drama ensued. There was a great skirmish for weapons and food at the cornucopia, with an early face-off between Kristy and Dave over a case of valuable water. This resulted in early injury to both, with Swinlott sustaining an injury to the leg, and Hugh escaping narrowly with a bottle of water which had cost her the thumb and forefinger of her right hand. Despite early concerns, it was soon confirmed by her mentor that she is predominantly left handed.

Pagoda made an early escape from the cornucopia, stopping to grab only an orange backpack, and was seen heading in the direction of the well-hidden Belgium Annex. Weaver also escaped unscathed in the direction of Kaiser’s Court, inexplicably shirtless and wearing a self-made headdress containing Hugh’s missing digits.

The first few days of the competition were quiet, with tributes each staking their own territory in the arena and occasionally glaring at each other through windows. There were also some spectacular traps set, and it seemed that none of the other tributes had been able to fathom the location of Pagoda’s hide out in Belgium Annex.

Weaver, who had been unable to secure food at the cornucopia, eventually succumbed to hunger after three days and resorted to eating mushrooms he had found growing on a leftover lime in the fridge of one of the Kaiser’s Court pantries. This lead to increasing psychosis and hallucinations on Weaver’s part, and resulting in his unfortunate demise on the 7th day of the games, when he was observed wearing nought but a cape fashioned from a shower curtain and leaping from the roof of Kaisers’ Court following a cry of “na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na CATMAN!”

This initial death sparked a turning point in the games and lead to two days of increased hostility between Hugh and Swinlott, housed in Beard and Turing houses respectively, with a successful mortar attack from Swinlott, resulting in Hugh making a dash for what she believed to be the relative safety of Belgium House. Unfortunately for her, she was captured in a snare trap set by Swinlott himself. Swinlott, overcome with rage at the loss of the use of his left eye due to an earlier attack by Hugh, unleashed a torrent of abuse before impaling her through the heart with the trident he was carrying at the time. Following the defeat of what he believed to be his greatest threat in the arena, he was reported to have yelled, “How’s that for ethical investment, Kristy?”

Consumed with glee at his victory over Hugh, Swinlott was unaware of the approach of Pagoda behind him, turning at the last moment upon hearing Bridgette’s cry of “ethically invest this, bitch!” This was followed by the swift decapitation of Swinlott by a 3 foot long rapier wielded by Pagoda. In a somewhat unexpected ending to these EUSA games, the final footage showed a victorious Bridgette Pagoda, the new president of EUSA, lofting high the head of Lotts-Swinlott and making a victory speech in which she thanked the games makers for the second chance which resulted in her unlikely victory.

This match was intended to be the last in this years’ series of games, but the competitions for VPSA and VPS have been postponed pending the outcome of investigations into the eligibility of one of the Tributes amongst suspicions that he may be a cyborg. As such, watch this space for more EUSA games action to come.

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