Published on May 16th, 2017 | by Flipside0
University of Edinburgh to ban Working-Class Students
In a press release that has shocked no one, the University of Edinburgh has announced that it plans to ban all working-class students from enrolling at the university from the beginning of the 2018 academic year.
According to University spokesperson Patrice ‘Theresa’ May, the plan had been in development for a number of years, claiming that “This policy is entirely for their (the working classes’) own benefit. We just don’t want them to feel out of place. There are just so few of them here already, we feel as though that we should consolidate their numbers in a larger, red-brick university. That way, they can be among their peers and hopefully improve each respective university’s breeding programmes”.
Speaking to Flipside, EUSA VPS Jenna Kelly said “While initially we were against the policy, our marketing team did a joint research project with the Business School and we discovered that of all the income groups, working class students buy the least amount of VKs throughout the year. As VKs make up 87% of our annual income, we’ve decided to accept the university’s policy as one that will grant EUSA greater economic independence”.
Determined to hold our elected representatives to account, our reporter approached President Alec Edgecliffe-Johnson who said “Fuck off, this isn’t my problem anymore, ask Kilduff”. When approached for comment in turn, President-elect Patrick ‘Theresa May’ Kilduff answered our reporter’s question with another question “How the fuck did you find me in Portugal?”.
Critics have already hit out at this policy, claiming that as there are so few working-class students attending the University of Edinburgh already and that this is simply another white elephant policy that will do nothing to actually improve accessibility across the university.
Flipside attempted to gather student opinion on this policy. However, when our reporter approached several university students outside the library, they didn’t know what a working-class person was.