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Local

Published on March 8th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Pollock Halls institutes ‘Stand Your Ground’ policy for EUSA election campaigning

With the campaigning period about to begin, thousands of door knockers are set to descend on Pollock Halls in order to harvest votes from unsuspecting first year students, suggesting that there will be a repeat of the chaotic scenes from the October by-election.

“I was absolutely terrified”, said Adrian Kippenberg-Bannerman, a first year theology and garden design student. “The constant banging on my door left me cowering in a corner, scared to go outside. The sheer threat of being accosted left me and many friends scared to make the 100 yard dash to the JMCC.”

In response to this, Accommodation Services has introduced the controversial ‘Stand your ground’ policy to all of its locations in preparation for the campaigning period, allowing residents to use lethal force to defend themselves if at any point they feel threatened by the campaigners. This policy has immediately drawn condemnation from both EUSA and the United Nations, whilst the G8 has threatened to move their annual conference away from St Leonard’s Hall to a more suitable location.

When questioned by a Flipside reporter about their recent change in policy, a representative for Accommodation Services stated: “It is never our wish for deadly force to be used in any situation. However, it must be accepted that door-knockers are a nuisance and therefore must be dealt with swiftly and efficiently.” When further challenged about whether this could lead to excessive violence and potential loss of life, the representative simply shrugged, claiming, “We have too many student would-be-politicians these days, nobody will mind if we lose a few.”

Although none of the candidates are likely to be deterred from campaigning, they have been advised to be especially careful and quiet when in Chancellor’s Court, whose residents have a much higher than average rate of shotgun ownership.

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