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Published on October 17th, 2013 | by Flipside

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Princess Anne orders Death Star to descend on Edinburgh Students

There was uproar today amongst students after HRH The Princess Anne ordered the preparation of the Death Star, in order to brutally murder two unruly students who disrupted her visit to the University of Edinburgh.

The ordering of the Death Star was prompted after the two students, who were casually browsing the Lithuanian Orthodox Theatre section of the New College Library, accidentally and simultaneously dropped mildly rotting eggs, which they had intended to eat for their lunch, on to Princess Anne – the university Chancellor’s – face.

Speaking to Flipside, one of the students involved said, “After inadvertently throwing my decaying meal at Princess Anne, I attempted to passionately embrace a member of the university’s security staff, and unintentionally, my fist made contact with his face in a somewhat dynamic manner.

“Of course, as standard, the university overacted and set a large scale killing machine on to me.”

A spokesperson for the university said, “We were able to purchase the Death Star, following our de-investment from drone strike component makers Ultra Electronics earlier this month.”

“Everyone thought our decision to split with Ultra Electronics was ethically motivated, but actually, it was a decision made in order to give Princess Anne the funds to properly fuck shit up, whenever she felt fit.”

“Strangely, EUSA haven’t made a big deal about this, but Princess Anne was not democratically elected to her position, and instead of trying to hide that, we decided the best policy was to go the whole hog and make her the despotic and supreme ruler of our institution, with the ability to commit mass genocide at a moment’s notice.”

Despite the Death Star’s controversial reception amongst students, it has also provoked much interest, with several societies wishing to book the famous military structures’ canteen for their socials.

Slackarse Stirling, Social Secretary of Edinburgh University Hare and Hounds Running Club, said, “The Death Star canteen is offering a particularly good society card this year, which allows students to get £1 Tennants and £1 shots – these aren’t shots in the conventional sense though, they’re shots at a rival society on the Death Star’s main laser.

“Personally I want to go up there, smoke a bifta with Darth Vader, and shoot the shit out of Edinburgh University Athletics Club.”

Sen Bevenson, Captain of the Hare and Hounds sai,: “Shooting rival societies is pretty laddish, but luckily as a sports club we’re not part of EUSA, so we can actually have fun. We don’t even have to conform to any of this anti-lad policy claptrap. Boys, boys boys.”

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