Published on September 21st, 2013 | by Flipside0
Princess Anne to guest star at Big Cheese
BRISTO SQUARE – The Chancellor of the University of Edinburgh, Princess Anne, has decided to reach out to the student body by appearing at the Big Cheese night at Potterrow later this month.
Following repeated calls for her resignation due to her supposed status as an ‘outdated relic of privilege’, the Princess Royal has hit back at her student critics by claiming that she has much in common with the average Edinburgh student.
“Ever since I was appointed by God to help my family rule over these islands, I have felt a great affinity with the student body, particularly as I often do fuck all, add little to the advancement of human civilisation and expect people to listen to my pointless and fallacious arguments with patience and good humour.”
The Princess added, “I have therefore taken it upon myself to visit the Big Cheese in order to create a deeper connection between university students and the House of Windsor.”
This is also good news for the Big Cheese event itself, which has bounced back following recent comments made by God that “simply watching people pay to enter the Big Cheese” made Him want to “consume the earth in another genocidal flood”.
The position of EUSA on the matter is so far unclear, particularly as the students’ association email system is not working, therefore rendering their communication system redundant. However, in a staggering about-face, former VP Max Crema has supported the Princess’ decision. Speaking moments before the start of the De Crema family hare-coursing gala, Mr Crema stated that the time for anger and organised protest had passed, particularly as he had “nearly graduated” and “couldn’t be bothered to hang around with those sandal-wearing socialist twats anymore”.
It is also expected that Her Royal Highness will briefly take over the decks at the Big Cheese with a playlist that boasts some of the music most popular with her family, including the Earl of Wessex’s dubstep remix of the National Anthem, a selection of Prussian marches favoured by her father and the title theme from the movie ‘Grease’.
The current house DJ at the Big Cheese (who wishes to remain nameless out of fear of reprisals from genuine musicians) claimed that the Princess had done her homework. “Her Majesty The Princess knows she’s going to have a tough crowd, but since the shit music I put on seems to bring in huge numbers of sub-human dross, I can’t see why playing ‘Achtung Sudetenland’ would cause too many problems.”
However, the excitement surrounding the Princess’ visit is not shared by everyone. Conrad Buxton-Phipps of the Edinburgh University Marxist-Leninist-Trotskyite Society claimed that many of his members would be protesting the event. “Ever since I was disinherited under the Hereditary Peerage Act, I have taken a firm stance on issues of undeserved privilege in our society. I tell you, our members won’t stand for it!”.
However, the Vice-Chancellor of the university, Sir Timothy O’Shea, claimed that the arrival of the Princess showed how the university was changing. “Ever since we became the 17th best university on the face of this earth, I have taken it upon myself to make sure that this university offers every new student a unique and special experience, whether it be the arrival of a member of the Royal Family at one of our flagship events or staying in a Travelodge due to a lack of appropriate accommodation.”
The appearance of the Princess at Potterow is likely to trigger a variety of similar appearances from controversial figures in the coming months, with an uncorroborated source from ZANU-PF claiming that Robert Mugabe had booked flights for “sometime in November”.