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Published on September 22nd, 2013 | by Flipside

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Returning students shake heads as freshers attempt to use Teviot cash machine

TEVIOT ROW HOUSE — Returning students at Edinburgh University sadly shook their heads when walking through their student union this week, as they watched a seemingly endless stream of first year students attempt to use the Santander cash machine in Teviot.

“We see it every year,” commented 4th year student Helen Grover, “a poor, unsuspecting first year just trying to get money for his lunch, humiliated by his slow realisation that the machine is totally useless.”

Several other students commented on the disheartening, soul-crushing look they see on freshers’ faces as they become aware of the conveniently placed ATM’s lack of functionality. Many students interviewed explained that “sometimes there’s that ‘out of order’ sign, but that never seems to stop them.” They also noted that they had heard rumors that it worked for someone during the Fringe, but at press time, Flipside could not find reliable data to back up this claim.

When asked to comment, Hugh Murdoch, president of Edinburgh University Students Association (EUSA) stated, “Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you. It seems irreversibly fucked to me.” All other EUSA sabbatical refused to comment citing that “we don’t want to get involved in that shitstorm again.”

Murdoch finally noted, “We’ll probably just leave it there. It may never work again, but it’s kind of fun to watch them keep trying.”

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