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Published on May 2nd, 2017 | by Flipside

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Joey Barton Announced as New Sports Union President

In a shock twist, incoming Edinburgh University Sports Union President Eve O’Loan has been usurped by philosophising Burnley midfielder Joey Barton.

It is understood that Barton, currently beginning an 18 month FA ban for gambling, is looking for ways to pass the time and has said he has ‘unfinished business in Scotland’ after his brief spell with fledgling team The Rangers Football Club Ltd.

Barton commented, ‘It’s a short career but there still things I want to achieve. I’ve yet to win silverware in Scotland for example, and I feel with myself playing in the centre then Edinburgh University will surely win this season’s Scottish Cup. I also want to fuck up St Andrews. So the first few weeks of training will centre on studs up, above the knee challenges when the referee isn’t looking. I also plan to wait in the car park after work to give a good shoeing to someone called Ollie, I believe he is a third year studying English Lit and Politics, that bumped into me one Saturday night on George Street. He was wearing a tweed jacket and sports team tie so that cunt’s card is marked. Not much to go on I know, so I plan to deck everyone I see wearing a tweed jacket and sports team tie. I hear this policy has went down well with the bulk of students at the university.’

 

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