Published on December 3rd, 2015 | by Flipside0
Russia plans to defeat ISIS by dropping “Manly” Putin photos on Syria.
Bulging biceps and barrel chest will intimidate fanatics, claims Kremlin.
As the world tries to defeat the evil forces of ISIS, a bold new strategy has ben announced by the Russian military. Following on from their bombing campaign, they now plan to drop twenty million A4 semi-nude images of Vladimir Putin onto ISIS-held areas across Iraq and Syria.
“When ISIS fighters see terrible strength and very virile body of the glorious leader who opposes them, all will quake in fear,” said a senior Russian general. “Men will run quickly to toilet, and women will run quickly to Russia to find manly men. It worked very well in Chechnya.”
Russia would not be drawn on where the twenty million manly Putin images would be obtained, though some commentators have noticed that the Putin 2015 calendars have all suddenly vanished from the bargain bins of retailers like Amazon.
“It’s an interesting strategy,” conceded British defence secretary Michael Fallon. “They’re obviously trying to turn them gay, though of course they can’t admit it. But if it works on even a tenth of them, then ISIS will collapse into infighting about what colour suicide belts they should be wearing.”
A Russian spokesman explained that they had also considered dropping recordings of recent Russian Eurovision entries onto ISIS. “We thought if they have to listen to many earnest Russian ladies preaching about peace, then soon they will all want to blow themselves up,” said the spokesman. “The we remembered, they do that anyway. So, we discuss many other plans, and decide that dropping Putin pictures is best way to destroy ISIS.”
“It’s certainly not because we’ve run out of bombs,” he added.