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Entertainment

Published on November 9th, 2013 | by Flipside

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Ryanair conceived as instrument of torture admits airline boss

BREAKING NEWS – CEO O’Leary “hates everyone, and wanted to create suffering”.

The budget airline Ryanair is famous for its poor treatment of passengers, which everyone assumes is to save money. This, however, is completely untrue according to its CEO, Michael O’Leary. “I just hate people and want them to suffer,” he says.

In his first job, O’Leary sold people’s private details to cold-calling companies, but found this frustrating. “I used to daydream about busy mothers being interrupted by unwanted calls about home insurance, but I never got to see it,” he says wistfully. “Then I realised people would do almost anything for cheap air travel, and I had my Eureka moment. Within days I’d written a business proposal for my dream airline.”

In O’Leary’s original concept for Ryanair, passengers would have been:

  •  Strip-searched, forcibly showered and deloused.
  • Branded on the bottom with their boarding passes.
  • Publicly flogged if their hand luggage was even slightly too big.
  • Herded onto cargo planes with standing room only.
  • Aggressively sold products they didn’t want, by stewardesses who’d been fired as prison guards for being too intimidating.
  • Played “Here come the girls” on loop for the entire flight.
  • Force-fed gruel by mechanical tubes, then charged £20 for the meal.
  • Dumped 50 miles from their destination and forced to route-march the rest.

“It was a thing of beauty,” he says wistfully. “Then those bastards from the Civil Aviation Authority were all, ‘you can’t do this, you can’t do that, meh mehh mehhh.’ I got really depressed, until I realised there were much subtler ways to make people’s lives hell. Thus was born Ryanair as we know it. It’s amazing how much unhappiness you can generate with hidden charges, the scrum for seats, three hour bus journeys either end and the constant suspicion that we’ll find some excuse to not let you on the flight.”

So, money doesn’t matter to O’Leary. His attacks on climate science, for example, are not cynical attempts to keep fuel prices low for his airline, as everyone thinks. “No, I just want to cause as much misery as I can, and undermining attempts to tackle climate change is the perfect way. Serves people right for calling me ‘potato head’ and stealing my sandwiches when I was at school,” he added.

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