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Politics

Published on September 29th, 2013 | by Flipside

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Salmond challenges Cameron to punch-up over independence

The debate over Scottish independence looks set to reach boiling point, as the SNP issued a formal challenge to David Cameron to participate in a Queensbury rules fistfight on St Andrews Day, to determine whether Scotland will become an independent country.

SNP deputy leader Nicola Sturgeon admitted that this marks a change of policy for the SNP, who have until now campaigned relentlessly for a referendum on independence. “It’s true,” she admitted. “We had a party meeting about how to win more votes in the referendum, and this guy at the back stuck his hand up and said, ‘is anyone else really bored with this?’ It was a massive relief that someone had finally said what we were all thinking. So we all retired to the pub, and by closing time we’d come up with a far superior policy – to get Cameron up here, and have Alex bash the crap out of him. Or rather, to resolve the question of independence in a fair fight.”

Initial reports suggested that Mr. Cameron had declined the challenge, but Mrs Sturgeon responded forcefully. “This is exactly how historical disputes between our nations have been resolved, like at Bannockburn and some other ones,” she said.  “I believe that this refusal is less about historical precedent, and more about Mr Cameron being a chicken.”

Other SNP sources went further, indicating that Cameron was in fact a southern pansy, who Salmond could have with one hand tied behind his back.  However, a source close to the Prime Minister sprang to his defence. “Eton is a lot tougher than people think,” said the source. “David got called names there several times, and on one occasion had his chewing gum stolen.”

“That doesn’t explain why he’s chickening out,” said Mrs Sturgeon. “Awwwk-puck-puck-pukkk!” she added.

We visited Mr Cameron’s office to get his response to the challenge. “Unfortunately I’m booked up with meetings all of that day,” he said. “I don’t know which meetings they are offhand, but definitely meetings. A lot of meetings. All day. However, I can see the advantage of the SNP plan, as it’ll be much less expensive than a referendum, and we can sell the TV rights. So I shall be delegating the task of representing the UK.  Now, who can I send?” Mr Cameron pondered for several minutes, before resuming. “Prescott!  We’ll send John Prescott.  It’s okay, Cleggy, you can come out from under the table now. I was never going to send you, was I? We need to win this thing!”

The SNP reacted angrily on hearing that Prescott would be taking Cameron’s place, and promptly announced that in that case, Scotland would be represented by hardline Glasgow MSP Rab McNutt. A period of intense negotiation followed, but we can now report that the issue of Scottish Independence will be decided on 31st November by a 12 round bare-knuckle fight between Jason Statham and Arnold Swarzenegger, to be broadcast live on Channel 4.

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