Published on July 14th, 2016 | by Flipside0
Boris Johnson – ‘If it wasn’t for me, you’d all be speaking German’
Newly-appointed Foreign Secretary, and Churchillian fanboy, Boris Johnson has announced that if it wasn’t for his efforts we would now be living under the yolk of German oppression.
Staff at the FCO main headquarters in Whitehall were greeted this morning by Johnson drunk on brandy, and smoking a large cigar, proclaiming himself to be the ‘saviour of the British Empire.’ One member of staff said,
‘There’s been a bit of a split in the department with his arrival. Some of us think he’s a moron. Whilst others think he’s went completely fuckin’ postal.’
‘His awareness of the geopolitical situation is a little bit dated to say the least. I mean, look at this, this is a memo that I received by telegram. Not by email, by telegram. I’ll read it to you,
‘Greetings *stop* Have quashed European Authoritarianism and secured trade routes to Empire *stop* Request meeting with Secretary of State for India and Secretary of State for War to discuss solutions to Indian nationalism and North-West Frontier *stop* Yours, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson’ I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?’
The staffer finished, ‘And to be perfectly honest, his claim about none of us speaking German has more to do with a shitey education system than anything else. I also saw him vomit over himself when he took a puff on the cigar.’