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Published on October 3rd, 2013 | by Flipside

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Scandal: Underage students consume alcohol at Big Cheese

Edinburgh University’s Potterrow Dome is currently on the brink of being closed down this week, after it was revealed that 99.9 per cent of the students in last Saturday’s ‘Big Cheese’ were underage, yet violated the venue’s exceptionally strict underage alcohol consumption policy.

Following a thorough investigation by Police Scotland, Flipside can disclose that 1,047 of the students that entered Potterrow Dome via the conventional front door passage were not given blue ‘over 18’ wristbands.

Despite this seemingly watertight block on younger students’ abilities to drink alcoholic beverages, once the said juveniles were inside the building, a complex and covert operation took place, involving older students purchasing inebriating liquids for those who were unable to buy them for themselves.

EUSA staff were alerted to the scandal when fourth year Economics student Saniel W. Dwain attempted to purchase 1,048 VK Tropicals from one of the venue’s bars.

Speaking to Flipside, a spokesperson for EUSA’s Entertainments Team said, “We always knew that Saniel was a big drinker, but when he attempted to make this transaction something just didn’t feel right to any of us.”

“Knowing that he’s an Economics student, we originally came to the conclusion that Saniel must be stockpiling the VKs in order to decrease supplies, and thus increase the market price of the beverage.”

“Only after the event did the realisation hit us that the Economics department is so shit that they probably wouldn’t be teaching that concept until postgraduate level; they’re behind Surrey Uni in the league tables for fuck’s sake.”

One underage student, who cannot be named for legal reasons said, “My case is particularly special, because as well as being under 18, I was actually born prematurely; this means that in terms of my genuine body age I’m actually only 16. I don’t want to make it sound like a big deal, but it’s a miracle I’m not dead yet to be honest.”

When asked to comment on the situation, dubbed ‘strawpedo-gate’ by the British media, EUSA President Hugh Murdoch said, “Banter! Lads, lads, lads. Unnnnaaaaaay! Oh hang on, don’t quote me on that please mate, we’re still on EUSA premises.”

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