SK8R LIFE INSURANCE (SK8) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION (EUSA) ▼-2005.21
ALEX SALMOND’S HAIR ▼ 230.067
CONSERVATIVE & UNIONIST NATIONAL TWEED CO (CUNT) ▲69.99
LADS, INC (LAD)▲1783.44
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION ZOCIALIST, INC (NAZI)▼2.48
BEDLAM THEATRE GROUP (BT) ▲ 5.74
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY CREDIBILITY (UC) ▼ 1.000567
PETER HIGG’S SWAG ($G) ▲∞
BOTECO (BOT) ▲ 456.34
AVERAGE AGE IN TEVIOT (OLD) ▲ 67.45
PANDA CHILDCARE UK PLC (PCU) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
MILEY CYRUS EDINBURGH FAN CLUB (TWERK)▲ 42.67
DIRECTION OF NOSES UPON MENTION OF EDINBURGH NAPIER (NOZ) ▲ 90.00
EXAM PERFORMANCE IN MCEWAN HALL (STARE) ▼ 11.000567
TEVIOT CHIPS (SHIT)▼ 56.23

Local

Published on October 6th, 2015 | by Flipside

0

Plastic bag charge causes the UK to disintegrate. Only Scotland left.

Following the introduction of the 5p charge for plastic bags in England, Scotland has been left as the last bastion of civilization in the country after towns and cities throughout the United Kingdom succumbed to riots and chaos overnight.

At the time of writing this article, communication with London is still down, though Radio 4 is still broadcasting  reruns of the Archers, suggesting that there is still some form of government in Surrey and Tunbridge Wells. However, some have suggested that this is just fuelling even more conflict throughout the country.

Major Wayne Mcshooty of the Scottish Highlanders gave a statement to the assembled media, saying “From midnight last night, we were getting panicked messages from High Command in London when all communication suddenly stopped at 1:12am. We sent out an expedition into Northern England at sunrise to see what had happened. We found Newcastle in a desolate state of ruin, with shops ransacked and open fires on the main streets. Seeing this, we feared the worse”.

“However, we then realised that it was just Newcastle on a regular Tuesday so we checked Twitter and read that Britain had descended into anarchy overnight because #jesuisplastique and #anarchynow were trending”.

Sociology and Ecology professor Dave ‘Sea Lion’ Gibbon spoke to Flipside “Because the plastic bag charge was introduced to Scotland a year ago, our culture has had time to adjust to this change whilst the sheer size of the rest of the UK’s population meant that the shockwaves were much more powerful. Also, due to the popularity of the Edinburgh Fringe every year, the majority of the city is used to being ripped off for even the smallest commodity”.

Politicians have been quick to respond to this chaos, with Angela Merkel promising a safe haven for Britons fleeing the war-torn South whilst Nicola Sturgeon has promised to house a “couple of Sassenach refugees” in her official residency. However, President Hollande has generated controversy by promising to only house non-English refugees.

Whilst Scotland was left largely unscathed, witnesses noted screaming mobs attempting to burn down both Potterrow and Teviot at approximately 5am this morning. However, this was due to a lack of halloumi burgers instead of anything important.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on RedditEmail this to someone

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,


About the Author



Comments are closed.

Back to Top ↑