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Published on February 18th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Scotland to declare independence from referendum debate

After months of platitudes the people of Scotland have collectively agreed to declare unilateral independence from the debate on Scottish independence, which they described as “simultaneously boring and infuriating”.

A representative for the people of Scotland, Scotty McScot from the village of Newtonmore, the exact geographical centre of Scotland, said that the people of Scotland had decided over Facebook whilst eating Macaroni Cheese and watching Eastenders.

“This debate is trite total fucking gobshite,” said McScot. “On one hand, we hae Better Together, who nivir shut up aboot the pound, and the European Union – which most Scots think is a loada bollocks anyway, and occasionally mentioning banal facts such as a few jobs here, and a few bitties o money there, and Doctor fucking Who. Who gives a fucking fuck about Doctor fucking Who?”

“And it’s led by Alistair Darling, who has the charisma of a broken hoover and the eyebrows of the demon headmaster.”

“And then there’s Yes Scotland, who talk as if every fucking problem in Scotland emanates from Westminster. As if we’ll vote for independence and all the jaikies in Glasgow will suddenly become fucking doctors and lawyers, and it’ll stop fucking raining all the time. Whilst Alex Salmond, who’s a fat banker prick who used to work for RBS, rattles on about how Scotland’s an ancient nation, which, by the way, literally isn’t even correct. And don’t get me started on Nicola fucking Sturgeon.”

“Aye, it’s all a loada bollocks, most people dinnae give a flying fuck where the government is. I personally, and I do not necessarily speak for the people of Scotland when I say this, think we should be part of the United States, but that’s just me.” McScot at this point straightened up, drank some Irn Bru, shook some imaginary dirt off his shoulders in an homage to his personal icon, Jay-Z, and continued his rant.

“Now returning to my appointed role. All this noise over the last week has been absolutely infuriating, it’s pushed us right over the fucking edge. The shite over the pound was embarrassing. So George Osbourne, who fucking nae cunt likes, not even the English, comes out and says there won’t be a currency union. A fucking boring story if you ask me, but it gets blown up into bullshit: Westminster are bullying, Alex Salmond’s a liar. It’s like a fucking playground.”

“The whole debate is embarassing, and we’re sick of having our intelligence insulted by pie in the sky nonsense and banalities. We’re having nae parta it.”

Flipside asked McScot how he thinks he, and the rest of Scotland he represents, will vote come September.

“We probably won’t bother. Nae one cares except fae weirdoes. Laters, I’m off to watch football on Sky.”

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