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Local

Published on February 16th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Scotland to get weekend custody of the pound after independence

Divorce lawyers draw up plans for joint custody of currency with England.

With divorce between England and Scotland becoming increasingly likely, arguments about custody are inevitable.  Some issues have been quickly resolved: England will get afternoon teas, the Tories and Doctor Who, while Scotland keeps shortbread, the midge and the bagpipe.  

However, the sticking point has always been who gets the Pound.  Now, lawyers acting for the two sides have drawn up a solution: the Pound will live with England during the week, and stay with Scotland during weekends.  Both sides have agreed that Scotland will pick the pound up after school every Friday, and return it to England in time for bed on Sundays.

During its weekends of custody, Scotland will:

  • Take the Pound to the zoo.

  • Sit on a park bench with the Pound, eating greasy chips and deep fried Haggis.

  • Help the Pound feed the ducks, while grumbling about how unfair life is.

  • Try to conceal from the Pound evidence of its on-off relationship with the Euro, and occasional meaningless one-night stands with the Norwegian Krone.

Meanwhile, during the weekdays, England will:

  • Make sure the Pound gets to school on time.

  • Feed the Pound healthy food because God knows what Scotland lets it eat every weekend.

  • Frequently point out to the Pound that it was Scotland’s choice to leave, and that it wasn’t the Pound’s fault.

  • Reassure the Pound that America is just a friend, has no ambitions to become its daddy, and that the Pound isn’t going to have to share its house with the nasty Dollar any time soon.

Asked how Scotland would manage without the Pound on weekdays, Scotland admitted that it would be hard, and that Irn Bru would have to act as a substitute currency.  Shopkeepers are already building giant cash registers in order to cope with this.

 

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