Published on March 26th, 2017 | by Flipside0
Scots Prepare Sacrifice to Appease Sun God
This weekend has seen terror-stricken Scots spurred into action in an attempt to appease their angered Sun God.
Mass collections of tinder have been taking place throughout the streets of Edinburgh with the Meadows now looking particularly bare, and construction of a giant Wicker Man has begun atop the Crags.
A spokesperson commented,
‘Oh great being in the sky, how have we offended thee? Guide us oh almighty phosphorescent orb and let us do your bidding so that our crops shall flourish and our womenfolk shall be fertile.’
Those believed to be in danger of seizure as a human sacrifice are Leave voters, anyone who has had their photograph taken on Platform 9 ¾ at King’s Cross Station, and anyone who has studied a science or maths-related degree.
Meanwhile, the Met Office has issued a 24 hour warning stating,
‘It’s going to reach 12 degrees in Edinburgh today so avoid anyone with milk-bottle skin, they will probably be topless or ‘taps aff’. This is essential as we get into late afternoon by which time they will have become intoxicated. However, we can assure the public normal service will be resumed tomorrow and it will be pissing down.