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Published on September 24th, 2013 | by Flipside

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Senior Edinburgh professors to be ‘put down’

EDINBURGH, UK – Professor Sir Timothy O’Shea announced today that the University of Edinburgh is facing pressure to put some of its older members of staff “to sleep.” Rising costs, lack of award winning research and pressure from the board of trustees have led the Academic Boards to begin terminations.

“Now that the university has been ranked 17th in the world, we are facing increased expectations of success on the world stage. To that end some of our older colleagues will have to be ‘put out to pasture,’ as it were. This will leave room for younger, more energetic researchers to snap up positions. Tenure has become a sort of barrier, so beginning next month we will have rigorous evaluations of any senior professor or lecturer who has not done anything remarkable or made the university money in recent memory. At that point, the members of staff who aren’t up to snuff, will be ‘sent to a nice farm in the Highlands.’”

When asked how the University could adopt such a practice, O’Shea responded, “Well you know, some of our faculty are just a little too old to be running around like they used to, researching things, and at this point you really have to consider quality of life. We want to minimize their suffering, and that’s what all of this is about. For example, one of the most prominent candidates has a fax machine in their office. A fax machine. Honestly, they will probably fall in the river Styx if we don’t ferry them across it. 

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to welcome a guest lecturer for their presentation on the moral issues of Euthanasia.”

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