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Published on June 1st, 2017 | by Flipside

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Jess Husbands to be employed as EUSA bounty hunter

In a new office briefing, EUSA has announced to Flipside that they will be employing former VPSA Jess Husbands as bounty hunter for the Students’ Association with a mandate to hunt down dissent within EUSA’s ranks

EUSA’s spokesperson announced to the assembled media that “Jess Husbands will now be employed to search through all social media for people that criticise EUSA, or even those who refer to EUSA as EUSA, and will hunt down those people until she finds them in person. After she confronts them, she will explain the benefits of having a political and active Students’ Association before branding that person’s skin with the new EUSA logo. If they’re not at home, she’ll leave a halloumi burger on their doorstep with a bloodied arrow through it”.

When asked by Flipside what the purpose arrow was, the EUSA spokesperson just shrugged saying “It’s art, innit? In any case, we’ve already provided her with the archives of EdiMeme so current Freshers should be scared”.

Jess Husbands declined to contribute much to the interview, only stopping to ask if we knew where The Edinburgh Tab’s head offices were and if our reporter had succeeded in buying the 9 month bus pass available exclusively to students.

The university have since refused to confirm or deny that the new statue in the centre of Bristo Square will feature Jess Husbands holding a trident while sitting astride a polar bear.

In contrast, the Edinburgh University Cruelty to Animals Society has begun a protest outside the EUSA offices, claiming that Jess’ target list was too specific, and that she needed to target a wider range of humans.

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