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Published on June 1st, 2016 | by Flipside

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Imogen Wilson to be sacrificed in EUSA blood ritual

With the new Sabb year underway, staff are in preparation for the Edinburgh summer solstice festival, where the Sabbatical officer who created the most controversy and negative headlines, this year outgoing VPAA Imogen Wilson, is sacrificed in order to bring about more #EUSAWins and a bountiful harvest for the student allotments.

While some critics have voiced their concerns about the legality of killing someone in the name of a vengeful deity, EUSA has defended the decision claiming that it is a necessary ritual to initiate new Sabbs into their new role as moral guardians of Edinburgh as well as a handy reminder for them not to fuck up.

When asked why Imogen Wilson was also booked as the main entertainment for the event as well as the blood sacrifice, a spokesperson for EUSA claimed:

“While we originally wanted Taylor Swift to headline the festival she wouldn’t return any of our calls, so we decided that one of her acolytes could take her place instead. We’re literally killing two birds with one stone. Well, sharp dagger made out of moose horn, but you know how the saying goes”.

Despite the prospect of ending her life, Wilson was unabashed by the prospect of such a prominent role in the festival saying “Taylor Swift is a role model for me and so to have the opportunity to take her place on stage in front of the entire university as well as some fun loving Satanists is a dream come true”.

When questioned about whether she was comfortable with taking part in a Blood Magic ritual that would take her life, Wilson went on the defensive. “Blood magic has been unfairly impugned by shows such as Game of Thrones which seek to slander a fine tradition that goes all the way back to the Dark Ages. Without the Blood Magic from last year, I don’t think that we would’ve been able to achieve all that we’ve accomplished this year. So it’s safe to say that Blood Magic is 100% responsible for free tampons and coursework extensions.”

Incoming President Alec Edgecliffe-Johnson has announced that the Blood Magic ritual will be the first event to be bookable with EUSA’s new online ticketing system.

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