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Published on March 3rd, 2014 | by Flipside

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Teviot is the TARDIS

On Friday night a group of freshers from Turner House, Pollock Halls, were playing a game of ‘Manhunt’ in Teviot, when one uncovered a secret Bingo hall full of mature students.

Astrid Smith, who stumbled into the room, drunk, while trying to find somewhere to hide and/or piss, said, “There were two hundred fat ladies in there.”

Professor Robert Winston, who last year guest lectured at the University, when asked to comment said dramatically, “Discoveries of this nature in the study of Teviot only occur very rarely. This is truly remarkable breakthrough, and one which will go down as one of the great events in the history of the Edinburgh University Student Association [EUSA], and science more generally.” The unique physical conditions within Teviot have frequently been referred to by scientists as a ‘time and relative dimension in space (TARDIS)’, where the inside is bigger than the outside.

When Flipside asked the mature students how they got in the room without anyone realising, none of them said anything except a few at the front who asked repetitively when we were leaving so they could get back to their game.

The discovery has spawned an array of conspiracy theories about other currently unknown parts of the building, such as the location of Student Council meetings, and the mythical ‘Penthouse Bar’, the alleged EUSA presidential residence.

However, Vice-Chancellor Sir Timothy O’Shea has announced the construction of a new Sex Dungeon Bar beneath Teviot, which follows his renovation of McEwan Hall as the UK’s first university ‘Pussay Palace’. He said, “It’ll be like New Amphion, but underground, even deeper than the Underground, if you know what I mean.” These are the latest developments in the University’s mission to raise its shit student satisfaction scores and rank higher in The Grauniad.

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