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Sports

Published on September 23rd, 2014 | by Flipside

0

Student given glass in Sports Bar; immediately attacks someone

Teviot’s long-standing policy of serving drinks in plastic cups in the Sports Bar was justified last night after a student was mistakenly given a proper glass and immediately proceeded to attack somebody with it.

Second year Geography student Phil Smith held his glass of Kronenbourg for less than thirty seconds before viciously smashing it over the head of a bystander in an unprovoked assault.

EUSA have long recognised that sports fans are prone to spontaneous violence, with tensions running high during screenings of high-profile games such as the Wigan vs. Ipswich Sky Bet Championship match which was being shown when the incident occurred.

Therefore rules dictate that patrons of the Sports Bar must always be served drinks in plastic cups, unlike the clientele of the Loft, Lounge and Library Bars who are considered to be of an altogether different class.

“We can only apologise for what has happened,” said a EUSA spokesperson.

“A full investigation has been launched into how a proper pint glass managed to get into the Sports Bar.”

EUSA are less concerned about the considerable loophole which allows patrons to avoid a crap pint in a flimsy plastic cup by simply buying drinks in the Library Bar and walking into the Sports Bar, declaring football fans “far too stupid to think of that”.

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