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Politics

Published on March 12th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Student Left Admits Even Student Left Doesn’t Like Student Left

Today, members of Edinburgh’s Student Left movement broke ranks to announce that even they, the Student Left, really dislike the Student Left, and have no time whatsoever for what it has become. One former member, Noah Platform, described the current Student Left movement as ‘A bunch of haughty, braying, humourless, sanctimonious circle-jerk tosspots who are completely disconnected from the real world concerns of students, and literally everyone else too’.

Flipside has used pseudonyms in order to protect the identity of the students involved, but mainly because they love nothing more than everyone knowing who they are.

Cher Petition said: “If you don’t agree with everything they say, you’re ostracised. I once said that I didn’t think Jeremy Corbyn was a very effective leader and no one spoke to me for a month.”

Peter Revent added: “I have genuinely forgotten how to think myself. I know I’m a fan of banning arms companies from the careers fair and introducing gender-neutral toilets, but I have no idea why.”

Diana Vestment said: “The only people we’re allowed to dislike now are the Kyriarchy, the politically incorrect and the Jews…but I quite like the Jews! And I don’t know what Kyriarchy means! I just don’t know what to do”

So what next for the Student Left? Flipside’s sources believe they are planning a sit-in protest at whichever university building hates them least, where they will promote tolerance, fairness and equality on campus, while shutting down whichever asshole dares to disagree with a single thing they say.

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