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Published on October 1st, 2014 | by Flipside

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Students accuse University Library of sexual harassment

The University central Library has come under heavy pressure after several students have made complaints about widespread sexual harassment by the institution.

“Every time I go into the library I have to stimulate the card reader by rubbing my student card on the sensor until it’s satisfied and opens up so I can get in and get down to work,” a male student who wished to remain anonymous told Flipside’s reporter.

“Sure, lots of people don’t mind, but personally I feel very uncomfortable having to do sexual favours in order to get my books.”

When approached by Flipside for a comment, a library staff member dismissed the allegations claiming that if students truly found the act repulsive, their bodies would automatically trigger defense mechanisms preventing them from scanning their student cards.

Professor Margareth Minks, a sociologist specialising in postmodern neo-constructivist Baudrillardian feminist critical social theory, believes this to be just the tip of the phallic iceberg at the University of Edinburgh.

“My research show that the spatiality of knowledge at this university is inherently practiced through an engendered space”, she claims. “For example, the intertextual transmission that takes place in lectures is an inherently phallic process, as the way in which students flow into the lecture theatre is a symbolic insemination of the womb of knowledge.”

“Thus, learning becomes something essentially masculine, with the female represented as the university’s uterus, serving as a passive container whose only purpose is to receive the life-giving penetration of the male. The discursive space of higher education therefore mediates a highly sexual inter-subjectivity.”

When presented with Professor Minks’ evidence, Principal Timothy O’Shea expressed utter shock and disbelief that such nonsensical drivel was being endorsed under the guise of serious scholarship at this university, although he could find no one else to share his surprise.

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