Published on November 2nd, 2015 | by Flipside0
Students At KB Agree £9,000 Is ‘Pretty Good Value’
In the mystical hinterland of Edinburgh University property, somewhere in the ethereal realm beyond Pollock Halls, lies the Building of Kings (henceforth BoK), where the university houses its budding scientists.
Getting there is not easy*. First, you must find the man in the sapphire hat hanging around George Square, who will give you further instructions. He will direct you to the rickety bridge, where you must solve the troll’s riddle. Then you will enter the misty clearing, at which point you have to choose the exact combination of obscure bus routes (and have the exact amount of change, or better a ridacard…so I’m told), before sitting numbly for minimum 45 minutes, and that’s if you got lucky and didn’t just miss your bus. If all goes to plan, you might make it for your 9 a.m., but probably won’t.
*Unless you cycle
BoK students are infamously skittish and hard to pin down, but after weeks of espionage and millions paid in bribes, we finally managed to track down one of these people: a minion of the Building of Kings. An intrepid traveller in these foreign lands (she’s from Dumfries). A science student, named Claire**
**For reasons of personal safety, Claire preferred us not to use her real name, which is in fact Satan Mao-Hitler
What follows is a complete transcript of our exchange:
FLIPSIDE: Hi Claire, glad we could finally find time to Cut the crap and tell it to me straight: have you ever actually been to Kings Buildings?
FLIPSIDE (hear after to be FS): The what?
For some reason at this point, Claire sighed heavily.
C: The Building of Kings…
FS: Ah of course, the yonderland – no never
C: Ok – it is FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC
FS isvisibly flabbergasted
FS: It’s – WHAT!?
C: Yeah mate, it’s fucking awesome. Cafeterias, common rooms, class-sizes, world experts in their fields – it’s all great. Seriously, £9,000 is a fucking BARGAIN
At this point, Claire pulled out an expensive-looking microscope and smashed it to emphasise the point
C: I get ten of these a year pal – free. And I don’t even need them, I’m NatSci
Flipside made a confused space, as ‘Natsci’ is Goebbels out on the slopes, in Flipside’s mind
C: Natural Sciences, not skiing Goebbels…
FS: But I didn’t say –
C: I know. Anyway, KB shits all over the rest of the university. Seriously, have you seen the ECA? It is a fucking ballsack of a building compared to KB.
FS: Compared to what?
C: THE BUILDING OF KINGS. Jesus. We get like 18 contact hours a week, don’t pay for any of our own materials, amazing student satisfaction and job prospects up the wazoo. Seriously, it’s the tits.
Pause as FS thinks forlornly about its meaningless arts degree, and the benefits of knowing about Marxist interpretations of great American literature in a squeezed job market
C: Sooo…what did you say you study?
FS stares bashfully at its feet for a moment and mumbles…
FS: English lit…
C: HA! Good one mate. All I’m saying is take up physics, that shit is a fucking goldmine…PEACE OUT LIT-BITCHEZ
At this point, Claire got up with a flourish, gave FS a sassy finger-snap, and glided into the distance on her free Segway (BoK provides one for every student) – back through the misty clearing, never to be seen again.
So there it is. Just one happy student in the Building of Kings.
Flipside is seriously reconsidering some fundamental life choices.