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Politics

Published on October 14th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Students “grateful for debt”

Following Paddy Ashdown’s comments at the Liberal Democrat conference in Glasgow that many students are in fact “grateful” for the increase in tuition fees, many thousands have come forward to lend their opinion to the matter.

Many in Britain could not understand whether Mr Ashdown’s remarks were meant as a joke or not. When asked by a Flipside reporter whether his beliefs may upset a large numbers of people who were being forced to pay more for their education, Mr Ashdown said that it didn’t really matter, claiming that, “If we were to suggest bringing back the death penalty for dog-owners, people still wouldn’t give a shit about what we say”.

Although many have passed off Ashdown’s comments as slightly ill-timed and ill-advised jokes, witty 1st year philosophy students were quick to point out that it didn’t matter much as he was “already involved in the biggest joke in British politics”. Disgruntled students were quick to beat them to death with copies of Leviathan in an attempt to alleviate their post-Big Cheese hangovers.

VPAA Dash Sekhar was quick to condemn Paddy Ashdown. “These kinds of comments represent all that is wrong with system, and I am quite frankly appalled with this person’s comments.” When asked if he knew what had actually been said and by whom, Dash admitted that he hadn’t as EUSA’s computers had crashed again and none of them had seen any news for the past two weeks.

Edinburgh university student Grace Penny was surprisingly positive about the rise in tuition fees, “Before I came to university, I didn’t actually own anything of any value. After I complete my degree though, I should own about £36,000 in debt. Plus interest.”

When asked for a quote about Mr Ashdown’s views, Ex-EUSA President Hugh Murdoch replied with “How the fuck did you get my home phone number?”

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