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Sports

Published on June 29th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Suarez biting incident blamed on ‘hunger for goals’

With Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez facing a length ban from football for biting an Italian defender, Uruguayan manager Oscar Tabarez has come to his defence, admitting that the incident might in part reflect a team strategy that went wrong.

“We want our players to be hungry for goals,” he explained, “So we keep Luis in a paddock without food for 48 hours before each game. We show him big pictures of a goal behind the fence, so he associates hunger with putting the ball into the net.  It worked very well against England.”

Mr Tabarez did not, however, admit that this strategy had caused the incident. “Italian players are a bit girly, you know?  They like to wear the aftershave. I think maybe Mr Chiellini was wearing something that smelt of half-time oranges. So it is his own fault if Luis went for him. He should be more careful what scent he wears.”

He added that Italy should have no complaint, having used a similar strategy themselves in previous world cups. “They starve their players of sex for six hours or more, then show them pictures of goals in women’s underwear. That is how they won in 2006.”

When asked to comment, Suarez growled and tried to chew the seat off this reporter’s trousers.

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