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Politics

Published on January 20th, 2014 | by Flipside

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‘Tab’ article forces ministers to re-evaluate entire UK education structure

The House of Commons is in a state of turmoil today, as ministers re-evaluate the entire UK education system following a groundbreaking thesis from Bristol student Becca Atkinson in The Bristol Tab, which suggested that private schools are better than a lot of state schools.

Although the government’s reaction is, as of yet, unconfirmed, it is widely expected that they will immediately close all state schools, and replace them with private ones. This is because across the country, working class families and single parents are expected to stop spending all their money on flashy cars and posh holidays, and invest the huge surplus of cash they have on their children’s education.

The article has also seemingly ended prejudice against people from private schools, with students immediately understanding the parallels the author draws between ‘posh prejudice’ and violent discrimination against homosexuals and ethnic minorities.

One student at the University of Edinburgh, originally from an inner city comprehensive in Huyton, Merseyside said: “I used to be prejudiced against posh people because I thought that private schools were worse than state schools. Now that I realise people from private schools get all the best facilities, as well as the best jobs handed to them on a plate, I will have to reconsider my prejudice.”

“As the article states, it may be unfair that private school children get a better footing in life, but it’s also true. If we went around trying to change all the things that were unfair but true, we might also end necessities such as HIV/AIDS, world poverty and god forbid, the divine privilege of the landed classes.”

Adding to this train of thought, UK Chancellor George Osborne said: “Apartheid was unfair, but it was true, imagine what a mess we’d be in if someone tried to end that.”

“Basically, if poor people want to get a decent footing in life, they should stop being so fucking poor. It’s not hard.“

When Flipside suggested to Osborne that this statement demonstrated a lack in his grasp of basic economics, he replied: “Fuck off, as the article says, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know, and I went to St.Pauls, so I know loads of social climbing, arrogant, and well-financed individuals, and now shazam, I’m a politician. What does that tell you, you pikey shit?”

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