SK8R LIFE INSURANCE (SK8) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION (EUSA) ▼-2005.21
ALEX SALMOND’S HAIR ▼ 230.067
CONSERVATIVE & UNIONIST NATIONAL TWEED CO (CUNT) ▲69.99
LADS, INC (LAD)▲1783.44
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION ZOCIALIST, INC (NAZI)▼2.48
BEDLAM THEATRE GROUP (BT) ▲ 5.74
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY CREDIBILITY (UC) ▼ 1.000567
PETER HIGG’S SWAG ($G) ▲∞
BOTECO (BOT) ▲ 456.34
AVERAGE AGE IN TEVIOT (OLD) ▲ 67.45
PANDA CHILDCARE UK PLC (PCU) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
MILEY CYRUS EDINBURGH FAN CLUB (TWERK)▲ 42.67
DIRECTION OF NOSES UPON MENTION OF EDINBURGH NAPIER (NOZ) ▲ 90.00
EXAM PERFORMANCE IN MCEWAN HALL (STARE) ▼ 11.000567
TEVIOT CHIPS (SHIT)▼ 56.23

Local

Published on July 9th, 2013 | by Flipside

Tab delivers heart-warming report on Edinburgh homeless

NICHOLSON STREET – After producing months and months of highly popular headlines such as “students getting fucked up 2k13 HAHAHAH LOL” and “Top ten uni shag spots #lads,” the Tab has done a complete U-turn on its writing philosophy. The latest story from the viral tabloid “10 simple things we can do to help the homeless” was reportedly put in at top billing ahead of “FUNNY: drunk man spews on chicken”. The article has shocked many of its readers who have been enamoured by the Tab’s previously unrivalled ability to speak to their inner party animals. “I don’t quite know what to make of it”, says the Tab’s ‘Stud of the Semester’ Jason Southport, who marked up an outstanding 17 notches on his bedpost between January and the end of exams in May. “It’s a completely different approach and I think it’s shocked everyone. To be honest I enjoyed the recognition of my ‘cockatron’ as the wench taming beast that it is, but this story is certainly a moving one”.

For those regular readers of the Tab who are confused as to where this sudden change of stance has come from, we interviewed a representative from the Tab, who has overseen inspiring pieces such as “HAHAHA: 4 lads talk megabants after trip to Maga”, to get an idea of how this monumental transition has been inspired. “After a year of going out on the lash all week, pulling birds and praying to the bog god, we’ve all had a lot of time for introspection” he tells us. “You know there’s a lot more to life than getting trashed at Big Cheese and banging some 5/10 that looked like a solid 9 after strawpedoing a shedload of VK’s and shifting some heavy ale.”

He later adds that it was a specific moment just a few nights ago that heavily influenced his decision to change the tone of the publication, “You know that homeless guy that hangs around outside Waverly? Well, for the first time I just wondered a little bit about his past and how he got in such a horrendous mess” he states after admitting to having “spewed, pissed and poured alcohol’ on the abandoned gentleman after several nights “on the lash with the boys”.

“I gave him a quick swig of my vodka-coke mix and staggered off. Then my mate James TC’d all over his money cup and it was a fucking rave”. This act of generosity inspired the groundbreaking headline that ensued, but the representative highlighted that it won’t be a permanent change. “Don’t worry though, our weekly edition of “OMFG Freshers getting fucked LOLOLOL” will be back as soon as the next academic year gets underway.”

We closed up our interview and asked for a further comment. “Lads Lads Lads, bantasaurus rex” he replied.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on RedditEmail this to someone

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,


About the Author



Back to Top ↑